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Excerpted from The Grieving Student: A Teacher's Guide by David Schonfeld, M.D., & Marcia Quackenbush, M.S., M.F.T., C.H.E.S.

18 Schonfeld and Quackenbush

Children May Express

Their Feelings in Ways Other than Talking

Children may use play or creative activities, such as drawing or writing, to express their grief. Often, they come to a better understanding of grief through play and creative outlets. These expressions can offer some important clues about what children are thinking, but it is important not to jump to conclusions. For example, young children who produce very happy drawings after a traumatic death might give the impression that they are not affected by the death. In fact, this is more likely a sign that the child is not yet ready to deal with the grieving process. Similarly, teens who only want to listen to “happy” music or see “happy” movies may be signaling that they are not ready to open up to the profound emotions of grief.

Children Often Feel Guilty

After a Death Has Occurred

Young children have a limited understanding of why things happen as they do. They often use magical thinking—they believe their own thoughts, wishes, and actions can make things happen in the greater world beyond their own control. Adults may reinforce this misconception when they suggest that children make a wish for something they want to happen. Magical thinking is useful at times. Being able to wish for things to be better in their lives and in the world can help young children feel stronger and more in control; however, there is also a downside. When something tragic happens, such as the death of a family member, children may believe it happened because of something they said, did, thought, or wished. Older children and teens usually wonder if there is something they could have done, or should have done, to prevent the death. For example, the parent would not have had a heart attack if the child had not misbehaved and caused stress in the family. The car crash would not have happened if the child did not need to be picked up after school. The cancer would not have progressed if the child had just made sure the parent had seen a doctor. In addition, children often feel guilty for surviving the death of a sibling. They may also feel guilty if they are having fun or not feeling very sad after a family member has died. When talking with children about the death of someone close, it is appropriate to assume that some sense of guilt is likely present. This will usually be the case even if there is no logical reason for the children to feel responsible.

Can People Tell the Future?

The mascot of the basketball team of an all-girl high school spent the night with a friend after a game. She died during the night, and her sudden death was a shock to everyone at the school. After the death, one of her friends, Kara, a senior, was speaking privately to a bereavement counselor at the school. She asked the counselor if he believed people could tell the future. “Why do you ask?” he replied. “This seems odd, I know,” Kara answered, “but I believe I can sometimes tell the future. When I look at my classmates, I can see what college they’re going to attend.”

Reprinted with permission from The Grieving Student: A Teacher's Guide, by David Schonfeld, M.D., & Marcia Quackenbush, M.S., M.F.T., C.H.E.S. Baltimore, MD: Paul H. Brookes Publishing Co., Inc. 2010. www.brookespublishing.com