The Grieving Student

About the Authors

David J. Schonfeld, M.D., Director, National Center for School Crisis and Bereavement (NCSCB) and Director, Division of Developmental and Behavioral Pediatrics, Cincinnati Children’s Hospital Medical Center, has provided consultation, technical assistance, and training in the areas of pediatric bereavement and school crisis preparedness and response for more than 20 years. He has provided presentations at national and international meetings and worked with communities throughout the United States and abroad (including Europe, Great Britain, Asia, the Middle East, Scandinavia, Latin America, and Africa). In 1991, Dr. Schonfeld established the School Crisis Response Program at Yale University School of Medicine, where he provided training to tens of thousands of school-based personnel throughout the country and technical assistance in hundreds of school crisis events. Dr. Schonfeld has consulted with schools during the aftermath of numerous school (including school shootings and other school violence) and national crisis events. From 2001 to 2004, he consulted to the New York City Department of Education and coordinated training for school crisis teams in the wake of the September 11, 2001, terrorist attacks and provided training to more than 1,000 district- and school-level crisis teams within the system. In 2005, Dr. Schonfeld was awarded funding by the September 11th Children’s Fund and the National Philanthropic Trust to establish the NCSCB. Dr. Schonfeld has worked with schools coping with large-scale natural disasters, such as Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans in 2005; Hurricane Ike in Galveston, Texas, in 2008; and the 2008 earthquake in Sichuan, China. Dr. Schonfeld is currently a member of the National Commission on Children and Disasters, the Disaster Mental Health Subcommittee of the National Biodefense Science Board, and the American Academy of Pediatrics’s Disaster Preparedness Advisory Council. He is actively engaged in school-based research involving children’s understanding of and adjustment to serious grief.

Support for Grieving Children

Schools and teachers can take concrete steps that will help bereaved children. These include understanding how to be present with and express support for grieving children. Communicating clearly and effectively with children and their families is key. It is also essential to remember that grief is a painful process. There is nothing that anyone—family member, teacher, therapist—can say or do that will take away the pain or make the loss less powerful. That is not the goal of bereavement interventions.

Key Goals in Supporting Grieving Students

1. Increase children's ability to express their feelings.
2. Increase academic function. Common responses to death include difficulty concentrating, easy distractibility, frustration, anger, difficulty sleeping, anxiety, and feelings of sadness.
3. Increase the likelihood children will talk with their family about grief.
4. Increase the likelihood of talk and support among peers.

Suggestions for Being with Grieving Children

• Be present and authentic. Children are sensitive to dishonesty, and they can often tell if someone is not being truthful.
• Listen more, talk less. Keep the focus on the children who are grieving and give them plenty of space and time to talk.
• Demonstrate empathy. Teachers should reflect back what they see students express, directly or indirectly.
• Avoid trying to “cheer up” students or their families.

Example Story: Can Someone Just Be Honest?

Seventeen-year-old James worked after school at a local restaurant. One afternoon, he received a call from a relative with the terrible news that his older brother had just died in an accident.
When James's relatives arrived, they acted as if nothing was out of the ordinary, leaving him confused about how to express his feelings. Eventually, his mother brought him to a bereavement counselor, where he found space to express his grief. After only a few meetings, he felt more settled and hopeful about the future.

What Not to Say

• “I know exactly what you are going through.”
  Instead, say: “I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you.”
• “You’ll need to be strong now for your family.”
  Instead, emphasize the importance of fully experiencing their thoughts and feelings.
• Comparative statements about loss.
  Avoid making comparisons that may diminish the child’s experience of grief.

What About the Stages of Grief?

Rather than trying to apply children’s experiences to any specific model about grief, it is more useful to take steps to understand what an individual child is experiencing with their unique situation.