## Big Boys Don’t Cry

#### The Secret Life of Men

_A boy may cry; a man conceals his pain._ Nelson Mandela, L _ONG WALK TO FREEDOM_ He had been talking freely about himself and his child and the demands of everyday life, and then he stopped and looked up at the ceiling. The other men in the room, seated in a circle along with me, waited patiently and curiously for Ted to continue. We had gathered in Columbus, Ohio, to discuss the challenges for fathers of children with disabilities. Before long the waiting became uneasy, so I asked Ted if there was anything else he wanted to share. Still looking at the ceiling, he answered hesitantly, “There’s so much I want to say, but if I say any more, I’ll cry . . . and I don’t think I’ll be able to stop.” It became obvious that he was looking up to keep the tears in his eyes from overflowing. As he slowly lowered his head and faced the other men, a tear rolled down his left cheek. What occurred was an awkward but tender expression of male emotion. The man who was sitting on his right reached over and put his arm around Ted. This incident was the catalyst for the other men to open up, with tears in their eyes and deep feeling in their voices. Ted’s openness released the other men from the taboo against expressing their feelings.

Is it because they have held it in so long that men believe that if they cry the tears won’t stop? Are they afraid to violate the male code and be considered weak or feminine if they don’t just suck it up and deny that anything is really bothering them and that they are hurting? Why is it relatively easy for men to talk about their kids or school systems and so hard to talk about themselves? Clearly, it is hard to sit still and listen. Men jump into problem-solving mode, especially when they lack the words to express what they are experiencing. Yet they yearn for connection, and given time, they can open up.

### Reflections on Male Emotions

Why are men such a mystery to themselves and one another as well as to the women and children in their lives? As I learned from my own father, who had grown up in an orphanage, “Boys cry on the inside.” Leading a men’s group is a special challenge because men’s emotions are so routinely cloaked. It begins early in childhood. Boys want desperately to fit in and are terrified of being called a sissy. It helps to remind men that women appreciate the strength it takes to open up.

I remember clearly the first time I ran home crying at 6 years of age after a fight with another boy in our neighborhood. Instead of being comforted, I was ordered to go back out there and handle it myself because "big boys don’t cry." Being more afraid of my father than the neighborhood boys, I went back out, got in a few licks, and never ran home crying again. I learned that day not to talk about what upset or frightened me. In _Finding Our Fathers_, Sam Osherson helps readers to explore the enduring impact of fathers on the lives of their children and their key role in their children’s identity. How men deal with women, other men, and children can often be linked to unresolved matters with their own fathers.

In the world of work, men are also influenced strongly by their fathers. Many men, as well as women, struggle alone with their relationship to their fathers in order to arrive at a sense of completion in this central relationship.

Most men I have met want to be better fathers than they had and want their sons to feel closer to them than they felt to their fathers.  I was 29 years old the first time I saw my father cry...

### Working with Men

Men are supposed to be the strong, silent gender, and most if not all of their experiences with intense passions are alone, unspoken, and unshared. What a relief it is, I have found from my own experiences, to tell your story and to feel empathy from other men. So often men just want to be heard and appreciated as friends. I have been able to develop this skill at opening up through my own therapy as well as by participating in and leading groups.

Men frequently react in extreme ways, and fathers of children with disabilities such as autism fit this pattern. They are either very involved or withdrawn and virtually absent from interactions with professionals—with the majority seemingly uninvolved. Based on this observation, many professionals assume that fathers do not wish to be involved.

Is this really the case, or do men grieve and cope differently and hence react and involve themselves in different ways? Men are often poorly represented at IEP meetings, conferences, and support groups for parents of children with autism. Where are they? Usually they are at home watching the children so that the women can attend, but as the primary caregivers the women still feel overburdened and stressed out.

### The New Man

Several years ago I was counseling the parents of an adult child with autism and ID. When I met the young man’s father, I asked him what it meant to have a child who was named after him and who had autism. “You know; you’ve been through it,” he responded. How often men make comments such as this as a way of joining with another man but still avoiding really sharing what is going on.

What helps? The men I talk with tell me they want to be appreciated for their loyalty to their families. They want to be recognized for trying their best. They are learning as they go. Here are a few of the lessons fathers have shared with me:

- “I have a different relationship with work. It’s not my whole life anymore.”
- “My daughter has taught me to appreciate life in a profound way.”
- “I have learned to see past what my son isn’t and focus on who he is.”
- “When I get home at night and my kids run to greet me and laugh—that is the best part of my day.”

It is obvious that men have a different tone of voice than women and a different way of connecting. Male intimacy is different from female intimacy but not defective. Connecting with other fathers can have a dramatic and powerful impact on a man’s ability to interact with his partner and his children. Parents do not control autism; there is no cure, and it waxes and wanes often unpredictably.

What parents do have a lot of control over and a lot of impact on is their relationships. Focusing on your relationships is an action plan—try it, and see where it can take you.